She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
