I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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