To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
