I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
