oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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