A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
