no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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