Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
