stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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