Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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