It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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