i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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