Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
