I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
