The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
