My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
