So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
