I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
