Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
