Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
