You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
