like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
