Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
