Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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