There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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