the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
