you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
