I am in a vortex of obligation.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
