I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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