Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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