The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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