mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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