Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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