new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize