i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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