You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
