tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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