So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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