hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
