she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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