i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
