Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
