Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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