You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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