my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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