make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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