My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
