i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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