i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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