When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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