They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
