look no pants
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize