i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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