Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
