So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
